Do people follow you or do you follow them? By “following” I don’t mean social media. I mean the general set of behaviors that show who leads in a relationship — who gets asked for advice, who others adjust to more often.
Which role do you step into more often? Who carries more authority in giving opinions? Who sets the terms — and who bends to keep the relationship going?
During my travels and individual work with many people, I noticed that most of them have no awareness of this dynamic at all. They just live, and relationships sort themselves out somehow. (And that’s completely fine!:D) But noticing this dependency helps you take more control of your life and steer it in the right direction.
Ask yourself:
- Who do I have around me? (And I don’t necessarily mean close family — we didn’t choose them — though those relationships are worth looking at too.) But who is in my life by choice? Why? What keeps us in contact?
- Who initiates that contact? Do you ever simply pick a person and work toward a friendship — or is it always someone else who comes to you?
- How do the people around you behave toward you? Who tends to carry more authority between you?
The answers aren’t always straightforward.
Usually it depends on the fit between two people — who steps into which role and how intensely. And even in existing relationships, those roles aren’t fixed. They shift and overlap. (Though the “majority rule” method tends to make the pattern clear.)
The dynamics can vary. Sometimes we choose someone who then ends up following us. Other times someone chooses us and adjusts themselves just to maintain the connection. These roles and their weight in a relationship change constantly — sometimes one person cares more, sometimes the other. That’s natural.
But in practice, most of us build a certain pattern — certain dependencies in how we respond — and we tend to replicate that pattern across relationships.
You can notice that people who are self-assured, who know what they’re doing with their lives and it shows, who have formed opinions across different areas — these are the people others want to attach themselves to. Because they can see it works. They can see they’ll be better off for it.
Sometimes after just a few interactions with someone, you can feel that others tend to follow them.
Both sides are needed, of course. Certain personality traits naturally pull us toward one pattern or the other.
But we also have influence over this.
We have a say in whether we want to create our own life — or plug into someone else’s. We have a say in whether, as the more decisive and grounded person, we allow someone to “attach” to us — because on one hand it flatters the ego to have that kind of authority, but on the other hand you can end up with a set of people who just ride on your successes and give nothing back. Who aren’t grateful for the support they receive — or who actually claim your insights and achievements as their own.
I used to not pay attention to this at all. For example, when a group of friends would cancel plans the moment I said I couldn’t make it — or get genuinely upset about it — I didn’t understand what the problem was.
A friend of mine put it plainly at the time — though I didn’t quite get it then: “The fact that they panic and feel so lost when you’re not there — that tells you everything about your role in that group. Who leads. Who sets the tone. They know the quality when you’re there. And they feel how grey it gets without you.”
Now I understand. In that particular group, I was the one setting the atmosphere — driving the interesting conversations, bringing the energy that made showing up feel worthwhile.
So the role we step into has a big impact on our lives — on the decisions we make, and on whether our relationships actually give us something back.
So when you have a moment — take a look at your relationships. The people who gravitate toward you. Even the ones who have been around for years. See what’s actually happening there. You might surprise yourself more than once — understand the dynamics, and maybe decide to stop following the crowd if you realize a different option suits you better.
