How your motivations make you easy to manipulate — we ask “what do you do?” all the time. Almost every day.
And while the answer tells us something about the person, we learn far more by asking: “Why do you do it?”
One question usually isn’t enough — but it’s a start. It opens the door to the motivations behind someone’s actions. And those matter much more than the actions themselves. Especially for people who want to move you in a particular direction. That’s the core of it.
In my work across different corporate environments I’ve come across people who can pick up on this information and use it with remarkable precision. Often without asking a single question.
Their response to anything is always perfect. Catch them off guard and within a fraction of a second they’re giving you exactly the right expression, exactly the right words — making you trust them, speaking in a way that lands directly on the motivations they’ve observed in your behavior.
Does this always have bad consequences? No. But it’s always aimed at influencing you — at getting you to mentally step into the role they’ve chosen for you. To do what they want, out of your own motivation.
Paradoxically — some of the people I’m describing are people I’m genuinely close to. I accept how they function. And the relationship brings me a lot of knowledge about human behavior.
And honestly — setting aside intentions (which aren’t always bad) — the level of influence these people operate at is masterful. Accepting that this was simply the reality I was in, I had the chance to work inside a team managed this way for an extended period. I got frustrated more than once. I was caught off guard more than once. But it gave me an enormous picture of how these dynamics actually work — a lesson about people I still draw on today.
I’ll use a work environment as the example here — but the same patterns show up in relationships, friend groups, and everywhere else.
What Are Our Motivations?
Feeling Important
This is one of the most common — especially among ambitious people. Position matters. Feeling significant matters. And while this motivation isn’t inherently destructive, it very often becomes so. It frequently connects to certain gaps we’re trying to fill.
What does a manipulator do with this?
They often start the relationship with frequent praise — gradually building your sense of worth in the company on their assessment of you, on their words. Which feel good. We like hearing them. We like being admired.
And all of it seems completely selfless…
But then what happens? You can’t be inflated indefinitely — so the game begins. Sometimes praise, sometimes silence. You don’t need to be told to try harder. You feel it yourself — because you put in so much, and the praise isn’t there. It always was before. You’ve become dependent on it.
This format has been around forever — casinos work on exactly the same principle. Variable reward. You get pulled in and you keep going.
Then, to subtly balance the dynamic, a person in a similar position appears right next to you. Now you’re both trying. Competition gets added to the mix. At this point the manager barely has to do anything — just manage emotions and praise. The system runs itself. The axis revolves around them, and the two of you drive each other forward. You raise the bar on your own. And the interesting thing is — nobody’s pushing you. You want to work. Because they found your core.
A Sense of Security
The world is unstable. People are focused on themselves. And now you start working with someone who, from day one, radiates enormous calm. They wrap you in a kind of warmth and say — everything will be fine. We’re like family. If anything comes up — come to me. I have connections, I have influence. You matter to me as a person. “Stay on my ship and everything will be alright.”
That’s the first layer.
It’s natural to trust someone who wants to be a source of support — and doesn’t appear to want anything in return. Just a good person. A good company. It builds attachment. You want to work for this person. You want to take initiative. You care.
And then — the next step. This person goes out of their way to actually help you with something. Now you have a debt of gratitude. Especially if you’re a sensitive person. And so you do things, you help, you want to — you’re ready to do what’s needed, when it’s needed. To accept a lot. To question very little.
Money
This one is more straightforward. Above all, the manipulator watches how you respond to the topic of money. Simply that. Whether hearing large numbers — even in neutral company contracts — triggers something in you. Whether a better bonus visibly changes your energy.
The actions they take with this knowledge can vary (because it doesn’t always translate into you earning more). But the narrative will always be: “the company is doing well, we’re all benefiting.”
Everything seems fine — but they’ll also be managing your expectations. Because they’re not going to overpay you. So a narrative emerges — they quietly avoid sharing information about negotiated rates or company revenue, and instead plant opinions for you to absorb, especially if you’ve contributed: “We’re not exactly making a fortune on this contract…”
So you want to work. You want the company to succeed, because you want to succeed — and the bonus, like the praise, gets given and then lightly trimmed. Just enough to keep you chasing. The carrot.
These are just a few examples — there are many more, including manipulation through rivalry (which I mentioned). Of course, many of these behaviors exist in some form in normal business environments — spotting one doesn’t make someone a manipulator. But in some people they add up to a complete picture.
I’ve seen this pattern up close — someone who deploys all of these methods simultaneously, from the very first interaction. Observing what lands and how. Always the good one. Everyone loyal, everyone feeling safe. What most people don’t see is how the entire dynamic revolves around what this person wants — reactions, views, interpretations — all quietly orbiting around one center. Nothing needs to be imposed. A seed gets planted, the right strings get pulled. The rest runs itself.
What Can You Do About It?
The answers vary. It all depends on how deep in the dynamic you are, how much your autonomy is respected there (though attacks on it will come — the question is whether you want to deal with that), and how much you care about the situation.
From my own experience — you can work in this kind of environment. You can come out of it well. You can stay yourself. But it takes a lot of energy — for example, just to avoid being pulled into the game you’re constantly being invited into. Every situation is different. Sometimes a rational cost-benefit analysis (including the mental costs) helps you make the decision.
What I’ve described is a small fraction of what these people do and how they use various mechanisms to maintain control. Others include building narratives, building authority across different areas of life — and there are many stories I could tell about that.
If this resonates — hit reply on any newsletter email. I read everything. And if there’s a topic you’d like me to explore — I’m always open to suggestions.
