Why life isn’t black and white — we love having answers. We love labels. We love sorting reality into neat categories.
And while that comes almost naturally to us — our minds love shortcuts — it actually costs us a large part of our perspective and clear-eyed judgment.
Is it worth changing? Depends. I think it’s worth having the choice of which stance to take.
The reality is that reality is layered.
An environment can genuinely help people and at the same time be limiting. A relationship can be emotionally real and at the same time not be healthy long-term. Something can develop us through one stage of life and later start to narrow us.
These are examples of situations where I wanted to classify something as “yes, I’m on board” or “this doesn’t align with me” — and simply couldn’t. That’s where this article came from.
The Organization
I collaborate remotely with a non-profit — a few hours a week. They work in a large building that houses their offices, living spaces, communal areas. Around 230 people. Every day they eat meals together, take turns preparing an encouraging “morning program” that everyone listens to — live or from their room — at 7am. Everyone follows certain principles, and they see being there as a kind of life path.
Genuinely warm and kind people.
Because of this remote collaboration I have the “privilege” of accessing the morning program content they prepare. Honestly — these are often brilliant thoughts, quotes, discussions of various passages that have frequently helped me broaden my perspective.
Many of my friends tell me I’m lucky to have access to such carefully curated thinking every day.
And at the same time — to maintain what some would describe as an ascetic lifestyle, there’s a reinforced narrative there about the uniqueness of their way and about being the ones who “chose well.” You can feel it in the morning programs too. And I’ll admit — after a few months of listening to them every day, I started having more doubts about my own choices and path in life — choices I know are good for me.
I noticed the difference most clearly when I stopped listening for a few months. I hadn’t felt bad while listening — but after stopping, I felt better.
And honestly — that’s a fascinating thing to notice. I know the work they do is genuinely good. I know the thoughts they share are also good — I wrote some of them down in my notebook. But I came to see that all of it also carries the undertone of a narrative — that their way is the best way of life. They need to maintain that narrative, at least minimally — it helps them live in a particular way and be “sacrificial” for the organization. Loading myself with one way of thinking every day meant I had to put in more mental work just to keep a clear perspective on it.
To sum up — what they do is good, their intentions are good, their morning programs are good — but for people who live that way every day. They contain an enormous amount of practical wisdom for me too — but it’s packaged in one background narrative. And that isn’t the only good way to live.
The Friend
I have a good acquaintance. She works in a helping profession, reads interesting books, has interesting experience from her work. I enjoy meeting her for coffee sometimes. But once, when she joined me while I was abroad, she behaved really unfairly on several occasions — in a covered, insincere way.
Usually I cut people like that out of my life.
And yet — even though I distanced myself significantly at first — after coming back I decided to keep some contact with her. Not like before — I hold a boundary now, and I can see she’s able to navigate safely within it. But I value her for the perspective she sometimes brings — something she’s learned from her work or read somewhere. We also know quite a bit about each other, so it’s sometimes nice to exchange an update.
But how would I classify this?
Is it a good and healthy relationship? No — it often consists of me simply supporting her when needed. She’s anxious, I have more distance from life. She can be envious, but she works on it.
On the other hand — I still value her as a person, as someone who “gets certain things” and has interesting thoughts.
I used to look for a definition like — this relationship strengthens me / this relationship undermines me.
Now I know it’s not binary. Sometimes it gives something. Sometimes it costs.
The key is not losing yourself to maintain it. Right now it works — I’ve created conditions where it works well. What comes next? We’ll see.
For now — I see the dimensions. I’m letting go of the label.
The Acquaintance With a Very Specific Way of Functioning
I know someone with a very specific way of functioning in relationships. I don’t say that negatively — I genuinely like him — but to give you a clearer picture: he has many traits of a covert narcissist. I’ve met an enormous number of people through my work — but never anyone quite this skilled at manipulation, at building systems based on relationships.
I’ve learned a lot about people from his knowledge. I’ve seen a lot from observing his behavior up close. He’s broadened my understanding of the world.
Is it all great? No. Someone with these tendencies doesn’t stop. He tries various moves on me too. I’ve probably missed some of them — but I’ll say upfront: I’ve met a huge number of people, and he is a genuinely exceptional case.
Do I expect him to always treat me fairly? No.
Do I sometimes get frustrated when I see those infuriating games aimed at me — even though we know each other and I thought we trusted each other? Yes. I do. That’s a cost — and not a small one.
But do I want to have this person in my life despite all that? Yes, absolutely. Maybe I wouldn’t say it’s always perfectly healthy — but as someone who values experience and growth — I can’t deny he’s brought me a lot.
Is this choice a good one? I don’t feel the need to define it right now. For now, it’s enough that I can hold onto myself within it.
A few examples. A few different situations.
I notice that when I share these stories with people — they usually want to weigh in. As if it could be black or white.
And I respect that — I also wanted to label these places and people as good or bad (because they’re definitely not neutral). But now I see that life is more of an ecosystem than a set of labeled drawers. Some things work well under certain conditions. Some relationships need those conditions too. At one stage of life something is good — at another it might start to narrow us.
Everything has colors. The question is whether we allow ourselves to see the full range.
